Apologies & Repentance - By Tom Ascol

As a father of six children and the possessor of one sin-infected heart I have had many opportunities both to practice and teach the art of acknowledging sin and seeking to make amends. What I have discovered both paternally and internally is that expressions of true repentance are much rarer than the dime-a-dozen-variety apologies.

“I’m sorry” is regarded as some kind of magical phrase that is assumed to give the speaker a free pass from seriously owning up to his wrongs. Adolescent short-hand renders it simply, “Sorry.” Say the word, get out of jail free, as if making an audible declaration completely clears the air and sets things right. “I said, I was sorry!” Right. So now we must simply move over the page and let bygones be bygones. At least that’s what those who trade in this magic formula expect, if not demand.

Worse yet is the more sophisticated apology that goes like this, “If I have done anything to offend you, I’m sorry.” As far as I am concerned, you can save your breath rather than trying to pass that as a sincere expression of sorrow. It is an admission of nothing except the possibility that perhaps someone may have taken offense at any number of possible actions that you have taken. The way I see it, if you are not convinced that you have done anything wrong, then do not offer an expression of sorrow. How can you be sorry for something you are not convinced you have done? If you are convinced you have done it, then why the face-saving “If?” Simply admit your wrongdoing and then express your sorrow for doing it. If you genuinely are not sure if you have done wrong, then find out. Ask questions. Seek counsel. After your investigation, if your actions are exonerated, do not express sorrow. If you are found guilty, admit it (I won’t get into the fact that it is possible for someone to be offended by you and you not be guilty of sin on that account).

Expressions of true repentance are much rarer than the dime-a-dozen-variety apologies.

An equally common way that some profess to apologize is by making qualifications for their sin. “I am sorry for what I did, but I was provoked by what you did.” Or “I am sorry I lied about you and tried to ruin your reputation but the information I was given proved to be inaccurate.”

Such admissions of guilt are still far short of what the Bible means by repentance. The New Testament Greek word that is behind the English word “repent” is metanoia. It means “to change one’s mind.” That mind-change inevitably leads to a change in life as well. There are many examples of how repentance works in the Bible. But the classic text on repentance is found in 2 Corinthians 7:9-11.

“Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing. [10] For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. [11] For observe this very thing, that you sorrowed in a godly manner: What diligence it produced in you, what clearing of yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what vehement desire, what zeal, what vindication! In all things you proved yourselves to be clear in this matter.“

Verse 11 is the key verse. Do you want to learn to recognize true repentance? Study verse 11. Teach it to your children (and to your own heart). Godly sorrow leads to repentance–the kind of repentance that results in making things right, setting the record straight, becoming indignant not at those whom you offended, but at your own offending heart. There are no qualifications in biblical repentance.

Godly sorrow leads to repentance.

Rather, biblical repentance sounds like what David prayed after he was convicted of his adultery and murder. “Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment” (Psalm 51:4). All sin is first and foremost against God and must be confessed to God. In other words, true repentance agrees with what God says about sinful actions (which is what the New Testament Greek word for confess, omolegeo, means—to share the same view [as God]). Until you are willing to judge your sinful actions the way that God does, you are not repenting. 

There is such a dearth of genuine repentance among Christians—including Christian leaders—today that I coined a new word for it: metanoiaphobia—a fear of repentance. If you are struck by such fear, do not be satisfied until you get over it! Jesus is a real Savior who genuinely forgives sin. When we confess our sins God is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us of unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). But Jesus shed His blood for real sins. He is only a Savior for real sinners, sinners who do not pretend their sin is anything less than what God says it is. 

So confess your real sin to the real Savior and experience real, life-giving forgiveness.